I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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