my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize