A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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