I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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