I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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