You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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