I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
