Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
