If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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