FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
