so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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