Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
