Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am midnight drunk by noon
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
