im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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