where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
