brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
