I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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