I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
