So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
