420 ftw
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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