he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
