My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize