There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm like, not good at living.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
