I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
