I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
