Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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