This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
