While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
