i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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