i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
