she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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