i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
