i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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