What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
