omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
