I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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