Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
