just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
