Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
