I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
