I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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