You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sarcasm needs its own font
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
