Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
