Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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