Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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