before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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