If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
