someone owes me an orgasm
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
