So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
