Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
