My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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