i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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