I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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