i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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