I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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