I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
