I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize